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Thursday, September 26, 2013

my worst day ever!

lama tak update kat blog kan? sperti biasa alasan is malas and nothing much to story. mr izz pun since he is growing up alhamdulillah sihat sahaja.

actually this is my second night i cannot sleep...tido kejap but suddenly wake up in the middle of the night. cume last night i continue in my bed until otak ni penat kot, tertido sendiri but still bangun paginye a little bit early then usual. and tonight i decided to wake up, freshing up a little bit, and stay up in front of my laptop writing this blog.....derrrrrrrr...tomorrow? i dunno...and suddenly i feel hungry....warghhhhhhh

actually i feel a little bit frustrated because of my miscarriage...it is not by accident but it is my husband and my dad's decision! why, because of my chicken pox!!! why do i have my chicken pox while i am in my early pregnant???? Tuhan nak menguji hambanya dengan pelbagai cara kan? and this is my ujian...either this decision the the right one or not i hope i won't make the big dosa.

there is no life yet in my womb and the doc (o&g specialist) suggest to not take the risk of having this child. the child could be imperfect or if he is perfect physically, he will be imperfect internally and probably his nerve or his brain or anything that can be happen while his mother (me) having a chicken pox in early pregnancy. but that is opinion from the non government klinik (i refer to klinik penawar at kuala perlis and also ins specialist centre at alor setar). in other hand, in the government hospital, they are not suggesting anything accept to take the paracetamol and calamine lotion. some doctor suggest to take an antiviral but that depend of my condition but in my case there is no need of antiviral. 2 doctors of government hospital won't suggest anything but in my 18-20 weeks of pregnancy, they will refer my case to the specialist for detail scan of the baby....well, if anything happen to the baby then we don't have a choice but to accept him as he is right? 18 weeks is already a complete fetus  with a life in it. i wonder if it is a girl or boy. but my gut tells me it is a girl. a girl with imperfect of something? i won't even think of it. but what if this baby is our life saver? our rezeki? our everything? then wouldn't it be miserable not having her around? just thinking of it make my brain spinning like crazy i want  to sleep!

and what if the doc don't really clean up my womb properly? then i will be in trouble! arghhhh i dunno what else to say or to think or whatever....i just hope i can be pregnant again asap to clean up my mind about this miscarriage. and i don't even hold and hug my son for a week now!!!!! because of my chicken pox.....arghhhhhhh

i hate when i have to face this kind of situation! hope this will be the last of my miscarriage....and hope my future pregnancy will be as healthy as my first pregnancy of mr izz. amin. may Allah bless my family and shower us with a lot of His blessing.


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